First few weeks trying to start again

Hi! I’m Amy. I am currently studying Medical Administrative Assistant here at the college. I’m 32, married, no kids, just a min pin named Harley, and a family that is strange. Yes, I know. Everyone’s family is strange. But let me give you a little background before you jump to any conclusions.

My mom and dad got married when my mom was 16, and my dad was 19. So, they were kinda young. By the time my mom was my age, she had already had 3 kids, including me. My mom went through a pretty bad case of postpartum depression after my baby brother Eric was born.  So, at 8 years old, I was raising 2 boys on my own. Yeah. NO childhood. AT ALL.

The best times of my life were the 3 weeks every summer I spent with my grandma Cathy. She was the mom my mom either didn’t want to or couldn’t be. I learned about life, love, boys, and pretty much everything I am from grandma. For all of my life, she was my rock. I lost my grandma to cancer on April 10, 2004. I was in my third year at Slippery Rock as a history major, with a minor in pre-law. I had also just gotten out of a pretty abusive relationship. When you combine the three together, it wasn’t pretty. I couldn’t function as a person at all. I just quit. Everything – living, feeling, functioning, caring, pretty much anything you could think of. Without grandma to help me, I felt like a ship with no sails, drifting along through life with no clue what I was supposed to do.

I went from one bad relationship to another. I became someone I could not even recognize. My parents didn’t really seem to care. They just assumed I was continuing bad behavior from when I turned 18. I was sheltered, so when I went to college, I went wild. It got worse after grandma passed. I was all alone, with no support, no one to care. Then, I met my husband, Tim. Tim is a firefighter, a nerd, and the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. He has picked me up and helped me so much, which brings me to today.

Since college didn’t go so well the first time, I decided to go smaller. I decided on CCBC because it is close to my house, and WAY cheaper than a 4 year college. I figured at 32, I got this, right? WRONG. Well, kinda wrong. First off, I forgot that most college students are 18-22ish. Clearly younger than me. All my life I haven’t felt like I fit in. I had gotten my act together, but being back on campus made me feel like I was 18 again. And not in that good “reliving the good ol’ days” way either. Right after my first day of classes, I called my mom. She really wasn’t concerned how my day went. Immediately, the first impulse I had was to call my grandma. My heart fell like a rock in a pond. This wasn’t the first time I had experienced this impulse, but this was the first time it had hurt this bad in a while.

Every day I go to school, I get this same urge when I get home. It is actually starting to make me lose focus. I need to get my butt back on track and keep up. I’ve been doing really good so far this semester, and I don’t want to lose what I have achieved. But it’s difficult sometimes. I feel like giving up a lot. I feel like I don’t have the strength to do this. Hopefully, I can keep my head above water and keep trucking on. I just don’t know how without that safety net.

Amy, student blogger

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One thought on “First few weeks trying to start again

  1. JP says:

    I just wanted to say that I can relate to your story. I went back to CCBC at the age of 26 and I still felt too old to be there. I really didn’t have the support of my parents either. I remember sitting there my first day and asking myself if I was even capable of accomplishing anything at that point in my life. Fast-forward 4 years later, I just finished my bachelor degree at the age of 30, all while working full-time at a very demanding job. Just hang in there. You will get it done. There are many of us “older” folks out there trying to better ourselves and you should never feel bad about trying to do the same. When you finish at CCBC (and you will), just look back at how far you came from your feelings of despair and self-doubt. It’s all worth it in the end. Take care.

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